Finding Daily Inspirations: Is Your Soul for Sale? Holiday Hazards and Daily Inspirations

This morning as I was journaling, I became aware of how I have been struggling with insecurities regarding my worth and value as a person in this material world -- especially during the Holidays. I realized that I have been struggling to find a human way to validate and certify myself as a person of value and purpose -- with fluctuating success.

Three years ago, I sold a business and ended up managing a very special doctor’s practice after an sudden change left the doctor without a group with which to practice. Both have become good news, but both involved massive changes and losses of external life reference points that humans use to identify and validate themselves.

About five years ago-- right after the Holidays -- my wife of eleven years died of cancer -- after two really horrendous and painful years -- more change and loss.

I am still managing this practice, and in August I started writing a blog that has really taken me deeper and deeper inside myself -- more and more self and God intimate.

Change -- the loss of life reference points -- has left me feeling vulnerable and uncertain about who I am and what I am meant to give to others. Change and losses disorient human beings -- especially when there are no clear or pressing problems off of which to “reflect” ourselves.

As I was discussing my awarenesses with a spiritual friend, I remembered movies and stories where persons would sell their soul to Satan in order to obtain certain outcomes that they wanted. I would never do that, but actually I did try to sell my soul -- not to Satan -- but to “Jesus”.

From before I was born, my family was very active in a very fundamentalist church. As a child I was very insecure, timid, never feeling good enough. In my experience, fundamentalist religion teaches that God has to do what you ask -- if you do what you are “supposed” to do. Years later I realize that this message implied -- or stated -- the offer to sell my soul to get what I wanted. Happiness would have been nice, love and acceptance would have been wonderful, but most of all I wanted relief -- to stop feeling so much feeling -- so much pain and fear.

So at eight years old I began to bargain with God to sell my soul -- I got “saved“. I began reading the Bible, praying, and became active in my church -- trying to be good enough to have Jesus purchase my soul -- take everything that was important to me, and give me relief.

I spent a lot of years and effort in this pursuit, and finally gave up about twenty years ago. Depression, and anxiety was ruling my life -- and I could find no peace.

Twenty years ago I discovered and began a spiritual journey through a different set of principles not rules -- spiritual not religious. From these principles and the people who shared similar life issues and challenges, I began to find a different life. I realized that my God is not interested in possessing my soul -- or me. They want my heart -- my love and presence within Their Love and Presence -- intimate closeness, companionship, and friendship. They have no conditions for Their love, care, and kindness. They are a Presence that exceeds all my human thought and understanding -- they can only be experienced -- they cannot be “known“ by my brain.

So what does this have to do with the Holidays?

Is your soul for sell? Are we selling parts of ourselves -- or all of ourselves -- our souls -- to be loved, accepted, cared about -- maybe just to not be abandoned, alone, forgotten? Are we consciously or unconsciously trying to meet someone else’s conditions and expectations, and in the process losing and selling ourselves? For how much would we sell our souls -- the beauty and grace we were created with -- for the hope of a different, seemingly better outcome?

The Holidays are a metaphor -- an experiential symbol -- for all of our lives and loves. If we can begin to find our God’s unconditionally loving and caring Presence, maybe we can begin to take a spiritual stand for our spiritual and personal freedom. Maybe we can begin to give our presence to others, and not remain the “slaves” of others’ obvious and hidden -- dark-- expectations and demands of others.

Progress is Perfection. Let’s start here. Let’s take as much of ourselves as we can off the market -- and give our deepest love and presence to those who can receive us this Holiday.

To those who have hearts that love, let them be loved -- joy pressed down and running over -- coming from our most innermost beings to others.